Lost Lullaby
by grassysvu67
Summary: Grief forces you to face down buried memories and helps you heal. After losing her mom, Olivia turns to someone who understands. This is an AU set in Season 2 during the episode Taken.


**Lost Lullaby**

_*Author's Note: This story is an AU that takes place during the episode Taken from Season 2.  
Thanks to my dear friend Lexi for her suppose while writing this!* _

"_Olivia…your mother had an accident…I'm so sorry…she didn't make it…"  
"How?"_

"_She fell…down the subway steps…110__th__ and Broadway."  
"No. My mother never takes the subway."_

"_The entrance outside the Velvet Room…"_

"…_she was drunk…"_

It had been had been 6 hours and 25 minutes since Olivia watched them lower her mother's casket into the ground. Six hours and 25 minutes since she said her last good bye. Six hours and 25 minutes since she finally let out that breathe she had been holding in for all those years. She wasn't sure though how she was supposed to feel. There was so much pent up hurt and anger, and guilt.

At the funeral, she played the role of the grieving yet stoic daughter. She had to put on a brave face in front of her mom's co-workers, friends, and even her own co-workers and friends. Elliot, Kathy, Munch, Fin, and Cragen all came to give Olivia support. She was grateful. As much as she wanted them there, she didn't couldn't let them in. She needed to protect herself. She couldn't let them see how she was struggling to keep herself from falling apart.

There was one person who had been by her side. One person who without saying a word understood it all, the one person who offered her comfort with just a simple touch of his hand, the one person who Olivia for the first time in her life was not afraid to let inside of her fortress. His name was Rafael Barba, a fresh faced ADA who worked sex crimes cases out of Brooklyn. She met him one night through mutual friends one night at party. She found him charming, sweet, and a bit awkward. They clicked right away and soon found themselves together in every sense of the word. The relationship was unexpected but sometimes the best things in life work out that way.

Soon Olivia found out that she and Rafael had more in common than their jobs, tastes in music, movies, art, travel, and food. They were survivors who overcame so much. They started seeing each other about a month after his father passed away. At first, family was a taboo subject for both of them. When Olivia offered her condolences over his father's death, Rafael immediately rebuked them. He told her there was nothing to be sorry for; the world was better off without Miguel Pablo Barba. Olivia started to understand.

About two months later, Olivia came over to Rafael's apartment in the middle of the night. She was shaken and deeply upset in a way Rafael had never seen her before. When he asked her what was wrong, she could only shake her head. They sat cuddled together for a long time on his couch before Olivia could say anything. A child abuse case had gotten to her and triggered her. Rafael was gentle and tried his best to comfort her. The look in her eyes said so much. He understood it all too well. It was the same haunted hurt look he could see in his face when he looked into the mirror. The next morning, it took almost all the strength she had but she opened up to him. She told him about her father, about how her mom turned to drinking to cope, and the abuse. Rafael hugged her tightly and told her he understood. Before Olivia could question him, he told her about his own abusive father. As time went on, little by little they let each other into their own private worlds, sharing stories from their childhood, showing each other their scars, emotional and physical. And Olivia sometimes wondered if it was fate that brought them together because they needed each other to help them through the darkness.

But now…six hours and 30 minutes…

Olivia was lost in thought as she stared out her apartment window.

She felt his hand on her shoulder as he called her name softly, "Liv?"

She turned around and looked at him. He gave her a sad smile and handed her a cup. "I made you some tea with a little bit of sugar and milk…just how you like it."

"Thank you," she whispered and cracked a slight smile. She took a sip and felt the hot liquid burn down her throat. She actually enjoyed it not because she loved to inflict pain on herself. Instead, it served as a reminder that she was alive.

Rafael sat next to her and reached for her hand. "You want to talk?"

Olivia squeezed his hand and looked down at her cup. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I think I should be crying. But to tell you the truth, I don't even remember the last time I cried or if I ever did. It all feels like a blur."

"Yeah I know what you mean. I was the same way when my old man died." Rafael clenched his other hand into a tight fist. It has been eight months Rafael buried his father but the anger and hurt was still ever present.

Olivia felt the tension rise in Rafael's body. She set her tea down and wrapped her arms around him. As she rested her head against him, Rafael started to rub her back slowly. They always made sure each one was showered in comforting, soothing touches and was made to feel safe and loved.

"I feel so conflicted," Olivia sighed. "Part of me feels so sad that she's gone. I did love her. She was my mom. And I know she went through one of the most horrific things a person can endure. But another part of me is so angry at her. Angry at her for all the horrible things she did and said to me over the years. Angry at her for breaking yet another promise to me. She promised me she was going to get sober. She was working at it. She was trying to change. But then she goes and gets drunk in the middle of the day at some fucking bar. But at the same time even with all of this, I feel free and relieved and it makes me feel so guilty."

"You shouldn't feel guilty. It's just how you feel. You and your mom had a…complex relationship to say the least."

"It was so frustrating to listen to my mom's colleagues talk about how wonderful, loving, and generous she was, especially given what happened to her. They have no idea how hard it was."

"They don't know what goes on behind closed doors, Liv. Even if they knew, they might deny it was real," Rafael said softly, "When my dad died, my sister and I had to listen to so many people tell us what a great man he was and how he was such a respected man in our neighborhood. El Patrón...the boss. It was so hard to stomach. My sister could barely keep it together. The guy was a bastard who beat us and my mom. Those who knew what went on, they had the nerve to tell us we should let it go because he was dead. They said, 'You can't speak ill of the dead, Rafi. We can't talk about it any more.' Tell that to my sister who still has nightmares…or me and my…" Rafael's voice trailed off. He didn't want to cry. Today wasn't about him, he thought. He needed to be Olivia's rock.

Olivia held on to Rafael tighter and closed her eyes. "They will never know or understand. I never told anyone about this before, but my mom…I remember one night I was 14 and she had been drinking. And it was around the time of the anniversary of her rape…so things were bad." Olivia's voice cracked.

"What happened, Liv? You're safe here with me," Rafael reassured her.

Olivia opened her eyes and slowly exhaled in the hopes she could fight off the tears for just a little bit longer. "She and I got into a fight. I left a dirty cup on the counter and she saw it and flew into a rage. I remember apologizing and telling her I would clean it. She told me that I needed to stop apologizing for everything because I could never say I'm sorry enough to her. She told me that I was a constant-fuck up and I ruined her life. I still remember what she said to me, 'All you do is cause me pain, Olivia. You know why I drink? It's because of you and what that man, your father, did to me. I look at you and it's like he's raping me all over again. I wish I had gotten rid of you when I had my chance. This is all your fault.' She slapped me and I pushed her away and ran off into my room. I locked the door and cried all night."

"That's so awful…" Rafael whispered.

"After that, I really started to believe that I was the reason for why she drank and why she was hurting so much. I began to think that she really would be better off without me...and that everyone would. So I came home from school about a week later. I took all of the medicine we had in our house and a bottle of my mom's vodka. I was going to take all of it so it could kill me. But before I could, my mom found me, sitting on the side of my bed. I don't even know why she was home then. She was supposed to be at work but she found me. She took the pills and vodka out of my hands and put them to the side. And she sat next to me and held me. We both started to cry. Neither one of said a word…she just held me for a long time." Olivia reached up and wiped the tears out of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry you went through that, Olivia. No one should ever make you feel that low that you want to die," Rafael leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I love you and I'm so glad you're still here."

"I love you too. I never told anyone about that before. I've been keeping that in for a very long time. Part of me was embarrassed by it and other part of me just didn't want anyone to know how bad it was." Olivia whispered. She finally felt herself let go and started to cry softly into Rafael's side, clutching his shirt tightly. All these years of buried pain were finally being brought to the surface.

"Shh…let it out. You don't have to hide it anymore." He continued to hold her as the tears fell, leaving a wet spot on one of his fancy dress shirts. It didn't matter to him. Rafael wanted to let Olivia cry. Holding it in wouldn't help her in the long run.

Seven hours and ten minutes…

They stayed locked together in each other's embrace for what felt like an eternity. Silence filled the apartment, only to be occasionally broken by Olivia's soft cries. The silence was interrupted once and for all by the loud ringing of Olivia's telephone.

"Do you want me to get it? I'm closer," Rafael asked.

Olivia sighed. "No, it's okay. I'll get it. My guess it's Elliot calling to see how I'm doing. I better talk to him…if it's Elliot and I don't answer I know he'll keep calling until I do." Olivia let go of Rafael and pushed herself off the couch to make her way towards the phone.

Rafael shook his head. "Elliot is a persistent one…remember how he kept calling when we were out on our date? I thought they were going to kick us out of the theater."

"Ugh…don't remind me. It was embarrassing," Olivia grumbled as she picked up the phone, "What Elliot?"

"_Olivia?"_

Olivia was a bit taken back by the voice on the other end of the line. "Captain…hey. I wasn't expecting you to call. I thought you might have been Elliot."

"_That's a good guess," Cragen chuckled before turning serious, "I just wanted to call to see how you were doing and if you need anything."_

"I'm hanging in there…Rafael is here with me and I can't think of anything I need at the moment. But thank you."

"_Liv…I want you to take the rest of the week off. I'll step in and help the guys with the case. You stay home and take care of what you need to."_ Cragen's voice was soft and caring.

"Captain…I'll be fine. I want to work. I think it will help me more than sitting at home. And thank you again for the flowers. They're beautiful."

"_You're welcome. And are you sure about coming in tomorrow? It's okay if you take some time. We all understand."_

"I'm sure. I need to work."

_"Okay…Olivia…if you help with anything, please let me know. I'm here if you need me. Take care of yourself."_

"Thank you, Captain. Have a good night." Olivia shut off the phone and carefully placed it back on its base. She looked over at the bouquet her boss sent her this morning and smiled slightly before joining Rafael back down on the couch.

Rafael's eyes were fixed on her as she returned to her spot next to him. Rafael reached out for Olivia's hand. "That was nice of your captain to call. He seems to really look out for you."

Olivia nodded, "He does. He's a good person. Part of me wishes he came into my life about oh 25 years sooner. Maybe things would have played out different." The smile was gone from Olivia's face now and replaced with sorrow and a bit of regret. "Maybe he could have protected me."

"Maybe, but you never know. Even if you did have him there looking out for you, it doesn't mean the abuse would stop. Sometimes it makes it worse. When my sister and I were kids, we thought we had a safe place to go sometimes if things got bad."

"To your friend Eddie's place?"

"Yeah. His mom was always so good to us. Eddie and I were friends and our sisters were friends too. But one night, my dad lost it. He was angry at my mom for something so insignificant. He threw a coffee mug at her head and tried to choke her. As he was coming after her, my mom yelled for me and my sister to leave. 'Run mijo! Take your sister! Go!' So I took her and we ran out and down the hall to Eddie's apartment. My sister was crying, I was crying, and his mom just took us in. She held my poor sister all night. It was awful. I thought my dad was going to kill her. I was only 9 at the time. The next morning, my mom came to get us. I remember Eddie's mom begging her to leave him. My mom just sat there crying saying she can't and she needed to take us back home before my dad got mad at her again. He was angry that other people knew our business. He split my mom's lip for sending us away." It had been years since he thought about that night but the pain and horror of it all still felt like it only happened moments ago.

"That's horrible, Rafael. I'm so sorry that you guys had to endure that."

"He's dead now so let him burn in hell. But the point is Liv, as much as you wish Cragen was there for you growing up. Some things you can't change. We can only move forward and try to find ways to heal ourselves."

Olivia looked across her living room at a photograph of her mom and her the day she graduated college. In the picture, Serena was looking at Olivia and smiling. She looked like a proud mother. The picture should have made Olivia happy but instead it caused her pain. "Do you think she ever loved me?"

"Oh, Liv," Without saying another word, Rafael pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. He didn't know how to answer her question. He had his own personal thoughts about Serena Benson after having met her a few times. But Olivia wasn't searching for his opinions; she wanted confirmation. She wanted all of her deepest fears put to rest. It broke his heart that he couldn't give her what she most wanted.

As Rafael held her, Olivia let out a sad sigh. Maybe one day she will find out the truth about her mom. But at least here with Rafael she felt safe and loved.

After awhile, Olivia shifted and looked up at Rafael, "Do you think we are ever going to be okay?"

Rafael smiled and replied, "I think so. At least we don't have to go at it alone anymore. We got each other. It will just take time."

Seven hours and 25 minutes…


End file.
